When I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, one of the behaviours my ex had was…
[note – trigger warning]
…telling me how my behaviour and feelings affected him and how, as a result, I wasn’t allowed to act or feel that way because of this.
This mostly revolved around the feeling of stress.
I wasn’t allowed to feel stressed because that made him stressed.
I wasn’t allowed to “put pressure” on him because that made him stressed.
I wasn’t allowed to be too inquisitive because that made him stressed.
I wasn’t allowed to do things he didn’t like because that made him feel stressed.
I wasn’t allowed to question the relationship, his feelings for or behaviour towards me because that made him feel stressed.
And he didn’t like feeling stressed – and, as he always told me, I should know that!
Somewhat understandably that meant I tried to keep myself in check and try and tiptoe around the eggshells.
That is exhausting and no way to live.
Thankfully I got out and I’ve spent the past few years healing from the experience.
One of the biggest things I’ve learnt is that another person can not make you feel anything.
Yes it feels like cause and effect – like it’s your boss that is making you feel stressed, your boyfriend’s behaviour that is making you feel unhappy, your friend’s snarky comments that make you feel angry, the attention of that gorgeous stranger that makes you feel sexy and attractive, the incompetence of the tradesman that makes you feel frustrated.
It feels like that but that’s not how the world works.
That’s because we create our experience of reality, our lives and the world from INSIDE us, based on what we think about stuff. Based on what we’ve been conditioned to believe and the stories we tell ourselves.
We are only ever living in the feeling of our thinking.
So with my ex, his feelings of stress came from his thinking on how he perceived the world and me. It wouldn’t matter what I did, as long as he had that fixed mindset, stress was always going to be the result.
I only made him stressed in as much as he believed I had the superhuman ability of making him feel stressed.
Let’s look at it another way.
My experience of the relationship was that I believed my feelings of self-worth came from him. I believed that his love for me was what made me worthy. If he didn’t love me then I made that mean I was useless, unworthy and unlovable. That’s why I always tried to please him. It’s why I punished myself for not being good enough.
But what I’ve learnt is self-worth comes from inside us. It’s not dependent on or controlled by other people or other things.
And that is the same for any feeling we have – it’s not dependent on or controlled by other people or other things. It’s only ever driven by what we’re thinking in the moment.
If I believe my ex could control how worthy I felt, then I’m giving him my power. And equally if he thinks I am making him stressed, he is giving away his power.
But no one has the power to take our power unless we let them. It’s our responsibility how we feel, not someone else’s.
And we have the choice – to give our power away or keep it and use it in a way that best serves us.
So, what do you choose?
PS – as a self-belief coach I talk about what I call Thought Awareness; essentially being aware of the thoughts, beliefs and stories we tell ourselves and how looking at things from a different perspective can change our experience of life. Curious? Find out more about my coaching here.
PPS – if you know someone you might benefit from coaching or this newsletter, please share!